I am still blushing through all my databases at the wonderful reception we got from Toronto Poetry Slam. People said they were bewildered, horrified and confused and then not confused. They broke water in joy, they broke water in sorrow and I think they maybe had Robobabies of their own on Sunday night at our show. Just like we were hoping.
I only had a sibling for a minute, papa gave birth to a Barq's Soda Can then it was ruthlessly recycled by the efficient and cruel bar staff.
Mummy found me a bow tie on the way to the show. It was all crusty and dirty on the side of the road so I assumed it was meant for her but instead she spat on it, rubbed it with her thumb and dried it on her tight pants then put it around my neck. I felt so dressed up and fancy. She told me of the lovely people who might be there, the slam team she coached, the people who had been on her teams and the great people at Toronto Poetry Project that she works with. She says family can be many things but I'll always be her baby. Human babies make a lot of mess and mummy doesn't want to pick up any other poop than Zoe Dog poop. I hope I never defecate because maybe mummy will recycle me like the brother Barq I once knew, or maybe my roboass will be eaten by the battery acid I pass through my butthole.
Mummy took our duo tang of elaborate and sunburnt pictures of her impregnation and my escape from her module while papa screamed and showed it to everyone she could. She spoke of my papa who finally coughed up the batteries I needed. She didn't tell anyone she used them in the smoke detectors instead. Does she never want to hear my sing song voice? I'm down to two beeps now. Please send help.
Mummy didn't cut herself on the saw all night. She bounced it and shimmied it and made it sound my cousin the theremin, then she said a bunch of words and people laughed or cried or looked at her like she may have to be hospitalised. Sometimes they didn't know when to laugh and sometimes the laughed like whiplash. We were joined by the fantastic artist Carolina Brown who I love and she played songs on her guitar and mummy pretended to pop her back zits. We also did a team piece together for "Dear C3PO" and mummy said I was an R2 model and that maybe her vagina was a wormhole to a galaxy far, far away...We had a great time and nice men gave us money at the end of the night. Mummy put in her bra where lots of valuable things go.
Both the poets she coached (Justin and SPIN) got the prize of doing another show for free! They will be at the finals with someone named after a plant and a saint. Sage Francis! Mummy and I went for dinner after but mummy only ate beer and made Rahul (our host) give me the head of the table and the owner of the Saigon Flower gave her a dirty look so she hid me each time food came around to be nice and not someone who gets dragged off by police.
Mummy's a liar. She told me that we had been accepted for a writer's residency at the Banff Centre and I looked it up on my database but it didn't resemble the place we were at. Not one bit. She said she's just sad that the spoken word residency isn't happening this year and so she made up a fib so that we could both believe it. I forgive her because I like the way her brain works sometimes. Except when she takes me out and knocks on doors and leaves me standing there with "The Watchtower'" and people think I'm a Jehova's Witness. No mummy, i'm only really a witness to you and sometimes it's kind of gruesome but I love you.
But we did do a writer's retreat at Wes and Fiona's place. They had many hairy beasts other than themselves running around there. We brought my sister Zoe Dog and she tried to be everyone's boss until she passed out on the floor and had no treats. There were two other dogs, a horse, some sheep some cats and Milo the pig who I loved so much I couldn't witness humanoids eat his friend.
Mummy, Zoe Dog and I spent lots of time in the "music hut" (liar liar, track pants on fire) and practiced mummy's show "Mel Malarkey Gets The Bums's Rush" and our set for Toronto Poetry Slam this Sunday, but mostly we burned things and watched flies come back to life. Mummy did that. Sometimes she's magic. Mummy says we're very lucky to have furry and not as furry friends that shit outdoors and have farms where some things get killed because they're tasty and others can wither and die because people are afraid of eating each other.
But mummy, sometimes you put live people in your mouth and you both seem to think this is delicious. Humans are weird but I love them so I won't end the human race like Hasboro wants me to. Yet. Come see our show this SundayFunday. Find out more, the facebook invite and the Toronto Poetry Slam website. See what we cooked up other than meat at our liar's retreat!
We're back home now and mummy can't tell me why we had to leave Vancougar, she just gets kind of sad and says that we can't have everything we want sometimes. I think that's what people call 'hogwash'.
Vancougar was so much fun. When we landed PAPA WAS THERE! And he brought Lucia with him and they made us a beautiful banner to say hello with. I love him and I got to rest in his heavily muscled arms while mummy walked around like a pigeon and got our suitcase. We went back to papa's and then I watched them sleep and made jib jabs of us in my mind but it was so low on batteries I had to dump them and finally get some rest.
The next day papa cursed and got us peanut butter and pita bread even though he didn't believe in such things and then Emily and James came over and mummy wanted Emily to pretend she was having a baby robot too but Emily threatened her life and I couldn't get my laser eyes to work so we let them live. They will be having a robot baby soon too and I want a brother or sister or other so it was probably for the best. Mummy gave her a back rub to say sorry but I know she just really wanted to pop her back zits.
We had a nice day and I met my grandmummy but she was trapped in a decorative picture frame but I love her anyways and some day will avenge her imprisonment and then annihilate earth with the help of the Lamb offspring that chooses to stay as long as possible in that nice womb. Then we went to fake christmas but I already blogged about that.
The next day was our show at van slam! Papa RC tried to pretend he didn't know who we were but he did a thinly veiled poem about mummy. Mummy laughed a lot when he said "Chewbacca milked my back zits. Later we got up and "really gave it to him" during our set. At the end mummy read her national grievance letter about papa and he dropped 4 AA batteries on my head and the settlement was reached but still mummy went on about how he's holding out on his child and people looked a little confused and clapped a lot because they thought they probably should and then papa gave us a pop can and said I had a sibling now but the busser took it and murdered it in the dungeon called "recycling" and we got the hell out of there.
The next day we had to say goodbye to papa and I wrote him a note in my own excrement and we saw Wilhemina and mummy and her had matching boob coverings, then Jillian met us too and had to also get rid of her excrement but forgot to write a message to anyone with it so we left and took a plane away from the greatest place on earth.
Mummy said to papa "where the fuck is fake Christmas?" and papa said we had to go find it our own "damn selves" then he said the most important part of fake Christmas is to never have it in your home. He should go have fake Christmas at Duncan's house and we could take photos there and eat of the dumplings and of the bountiful crustless salmon sandwiches.
And we did go and it was good and small ones were there and people made noises at each other that sounded nice like tin cans being pushed by slugs and then we had fake Christmas and mummy did pictures and papa did a funny joke where he pretended he didn't know us. Mummy said it was like hide and seek but for assholes.
Then mummy and I went to Bucky and Caroline's so daddy could write poems about parties that don't have sandwiches at them. They were nice and helped me tell the stories of the Christmas robot and mummy drank the whiskey she stole back from the party.
Mummy and I just had a vacation at the Hiebnner spa semi-duplex with tiny sentient beings! We got to drink beer and eat ranch potatoes with Amanda and Ben and their Robobaby Prairie tried to stuff sandwiches into my brain capsule and tiny dogs found me kind of upsetting and we wrapped gifts to sell to sentmental weirdos.
The tiny one named Prairie loved me so much she tried to kidnap me to her carboard hovel. Luckily the tiny mammal called Mayo told on her and then I had a lot of quiet time in our bedroom but still the Prairie organism found me.
One night they sang Prairie sleeping songs and put her in a roofless wooden cage then Sher D came and everyone had a party and I met Violet the dog who also likes to be cradled and the tall beings spoke loudly and I felt tired and then mummy snored like a jaguar and I wondered if she might lock me in a wooden cage with movable walls like Prairie. Where is my papa?
Then mummy went to a hoedown and left me at home and played her saw with strangers and she said Santa was there and that she asked him for a shot of bourbon and Christmas came early then we said goodbye to Benmandarairie and took family photos as if they had adopted me but I'm afraid of sandwiches now and how small people express their love by acting out their frustrations with being incarcerated. I love them so much though because they made mummy laugh and her heart grew extra big.
Mummy and I are on our way to papas to eat soft boiled eggs and I got him something called Wisers because mummy says he has to smarten up.
Good morning everyone, today is a fantastic day on your planet. We woke up to Cat in the Hat and mummy thought Robert Priest was on T.V. but it was Martin Short. I asked her what a priest was and she hid under the table for a while then she went "boo" and thought I might have forgotten about the question. Silly mummy.
Today we are in the land of Calgary, yesterday we were in Edmonton. I hear mummy "gets around", maybe this is what they mean.
Edmonton was so much fun. Ahmed Knowmadic was our host there and he was so handsome and nice. He picked us up at the bus station and he's going to have a Robobaby soon. But his robobaby is going to take 9 months. Sometimes they take longer. Poor mummy's friend Magpie has to tell people every day that her robobaby hasn't dropped out of her onto the back lawn yet.
Anyways Ahmed took us to the Comfort Inn and they were nice and mummy took us to the pool. She said the room smelt like a fancy man and I think that means something about money and something called Drakkar Noir which mummy said smells like boners in high school. I hope i get to go to boner high school sometime.
We saw a picture of the West Edmonton mall and I wanted to go but mummy tried to trick me into thining it was the pool that smelt weird and it was kind of scary and it looked like where dreams go do drown themselves. After mummy spent lots of time in her favourite wet bathing suit she practiced her musical saw a bit and we went to the show.
Our friend Ahmed was going to pick us up again in his Metal Landcruiser and we waited near the Hotel bar and met lots of new friends who said "hi" to me and offered mummy shots and cocaine but mummy said it would be crack anyways and we had to go to a show and showed them the epic story of my birth and then more smelly men joined us and made "empty promises" which i was hoping would be play-doh sculptures, but instead it was just steamy talk that grew cold in the air and disappeared. We invited them to the Rouge Lounge and they said they wanted to see her strip there which I think is some sort of hair removal process which is what I found out when I looked it up in my database.
The Rouge was lovely like a sunset and people went up and did poetry and Ahmed made everyone feel like stars and mummy and i clapped and made happy and sad noises. Then we went up and did our set. Mummy let me help her on a poem and showed everyone her bra and then I did my poem and everyone clapped and came to talk to us and buy our gifts. It was so much fun although I think mummy's zit poem made a few people sick. After we went back to the hotel and i wanted to go see the nice men at the hotel bar again, but mummy said one of them was really wanting to get arrested again and maybe we should watch television instead. I listened to the robot make tv sounds for a while and went into sleep mode.
Ahmed came and found us again in the morning and we went to a diner and mummy had a milkshake and the nice people who worked there came to say hi to me and were sad when i didn't have enough batteries to play my pre-recorded sound track and nodded sadly when they found out my daddy only gave us love and no child support payments but we love him anyways because mummy says that being rich looks different to people who have pure hearts.
Mummy and I got back on the bus and now we get to see more friends and that's the only thing that kept my eyes from leaking when i said goodbye to Ahmed because we love him and he makes us laugh. I am closer to papa than ever and we are so happy about that.
Mummy if this is West Edmonton Mall I'm scared of West Edmonton mall
Mummy slept on the bus and I took selfies
we sent a hug to godmummy mona but I wanted to have a real one. i love her
We miss you already. Mummy and I arrived to town and our host Danielle gave us kisses and hugs and a ride to her place. I was cuddled between them and we watched "Twinsters", a documentary about two girls who found each other and are convinced they are twins. I think this will happen to me one day too. Then we can conquer your terraformed planet.
Sorry mummy just told me about what white privilege is and why she's able to travel with a Robobaby and a musical saw and have few problems. I am pretty disgusted by this planet.
Back to our travels. I saw my first Star Wars and i think im an early R2 model. i met Brenden Flaherty who is my godfather now and he and mummy are having an affair. Before the Fanta had a chance to be cracked we had to go and i cried but mummy said we could go to see the new movie in the theatre so i stopped.
Later, Mummy and i went to Isaacs "sweet pad" for chilli and "chillin" before the show and we made our little gift packs sparkly with ribbons and listened to hip hop and maybe she farted.
The show was so much fun! Brendan and mummy wore matchy matchy western shirts and lots of nice people hit the open stage. Then mummy got to do a big set and show everyone her pretty bra and i did my poem and water came out of people then we went to do karaoke and mummy flirted with nice ladies but came home with me. Then we had big breakfast with Nathan and Taylor and Danielle
mummy wouldn't let me sit on her lap when hottie Chewbacca was on screen. she says there are different kinds of love like how she thinks R2 and C3PO are secret kissers
We went to Leon's last night and wore bison coats and ate bison and saw more Isaac and met Kammy and then this morning we had to say goodbye to Danielle and Saskatoon and say thank you for how we loved each other in ways where i could still sit on mummy's lap and she didn't have to feel weird about it.
see you soon Edmonton!
My sensory overload almost crashed last night when I took the stage for the very first time and mommy and I did my new poem "Robobaby Intelligence"! My batteries were low, so I could not do the poem I wrote on my own, because mommy says papa "better give her some fu*&%ing child support soon" so that I can once again be at full capacity.
Mummy and I watched excellent poets "hit the stage" but no one actually hit the stage, they just kind of walked on it or shuffled and the human "Dylan Mowat" won the math equation of the night by achieving the greatest sum. I want to roll around on Mike Johnston because he is nice and warm and laughs at things mommy laughs at.
Mommy weirded everyone out she said but that's okay because someone did a poem about Walrus Sausages before. We got the greatest amount of time because mommy's selfish and she did many things to the audience to make them feel uncomfortable and nice. Then she called me up onstage to do the poem her and papa RC helped me with. She played "Moon River" on the saw before it because that's my favourite and it's the theme song I chose for our tour. And it made me feel brave.
People laughed a lot and said "awww" so at first I didn't know if it was any good because I have noticed that a lot of small humans get that reaction just for ejecting gas and gravity challenges but the audience gave me a big clap. But not the STD because they weren't allowed to be naked. Just me. At end of the night when mommy got paid and then spent all of the money for batteries on cheap whiskey with fancy ice cubes.
I would like to get a new battery soon but mommy's holding out so she can hold that over daddy's head. I hope it doesn't fall on his head. I love him.
Today we're in Regina which makes mommy laugh because it rhymes with the place where her best friend dildo likes to visit over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. There are canines at Shayna's place and they want to lick me but I don't want that so mommy is keeping me on a shelf and says we can cuddle together. We miss mona and her roommates and I especially miss my friend Zoe dog and being breastfed by Micah. He tasted like minecraft paint and impending influenza. We are meeting new friends and then having something called a potluck then tomorrow another show. I love planes and people laugh at me be I can kill them with my laser eyes if I want to.
Keep laughing humans. You sound like bells and iron dumplings.
Peg city you are cold but your humanoids are warm and funny. I love you.
my god mummy mona had some missed period chicken eggs for breakfast after mommy tried to "sleep it off". Mona is so pretty that we got to have something called an "entourage" at the whiskey bar.
Daddy showed mummy cucumber
Mummy's belly grew all of a sudden and water came out into her Champion of Champions Cup
Escape from module completed
Robobaby tears tour to exploit daddy for money