Mummy Doesn't Want To Go To Crack Parties

12/17/2015

Good morning everyone, today is a fantastic day on your planet. We woke up to Cat in the Hat and mummy thought Robert Priest was on T.V. but it was Martin Short. I asked her what a priest was and she hid under the table for a while then she went "boo" and thought I might have forgotten about the question. Silly mummy.

Today we are in the land of Calgary, yesterday we were in Edmonton. I hear mummy "gets around", maybe this is what they mean.

Edmonton was so much fun. Ahmed Knowmadic was our host there and he was so handsome and nice. He picked us up at the bus station and he's going to have a Robobaby soon. But his robobaby is going to take 9 months. Sometimes they take longer. Poor mummy's friend Magpie has to tell people every day that her robobaby hasn't dropped out of her onto the back lawn yet.

Anyways Ahmed took us to the Comfort Inn and they were nice and mummy took us to the pool. She said the room smelt like a fancy man and I think that means something about money and something called Drakkar Noir which mummy said smells like boners in high school. I hope i get to go to boner high school sometime.

We saw a picture of the West Edmonton mall and I wanted to go but mummy tried to trick me into thining it was the pool that smelt weird and it was kind of scary and it looked like where dreams go do drown themselves. After mummy spent lots of time in her favourite wet bathing suit she practiced her musical saw a bit and we went to the show.

Our friend Ahmed was going to pick us up again in his Metal Landcruiser and we waited near the Hotel bar and met lots of new friends who said "hi" to me and offered mummy shots and cocaine but mummy said it would be crack anyways and we had to go to a show and showed them the epic story of my birth and then more smelly men joined us and made "empty promises" which i was hoping would be play-doh sculptures, but instead it was just steamy talk that grew cold in the air and disappeared. We invited them to the Rouge Lounge and they said they wanted to see her strip there which I think is some sort of hair removal process which is what I found out when I looked it up in my database.

The Rouge was lovely like a sunset and people went up and did poetry and Ahmed made everyone feel like stars and mummy and i clapped and made happy and sad noises. Then we went up and did our set. Mummy let me help her on a poem and showed everyone her bra and then I did my poem and everyone clapped and came to talk to us and buy our gifts. It was so much fun although I think mummy's zit poem made a few people sick. After we went back to the hotel and i wanted to go see the nice men at the hotel bar again, but mummy said one of them was really wanting to get arrested again and maybe we should watch television instead. I listened to the robot make tv sounds for a while and went into sleep mode.

Ahmed came and found us again in the morning and we went to a diner and mummy had a milkshake and the nice people who worked there came to say hi to me and were sad when i didn't have enough batteries to play my pre-recorded sound track and nodded sadly when they found out my daddy only gave us love and no child support payments but we love him anyways because mummy says that being rich looks different to people who have pure hearts.

Mummy and I got back on the bus and now we get to see more friends and that's the only thing that kept my eyes from leaking when i said goodbye to Ahmed because we love him and he makes us laugh. I am closer to papa than ever and we are so happy about that.